'Everybodys changing and I don't feel the same'
Thats how I feel. I really don't know what to do
Its been a while since I wrote my last blog and am sorry to say things haven't really changed.
I passed out of college with a distinction, distinction, merit which is; for any of you that doesn't understand; a few marks away from sheer brilliance.
Decided to join the RAF. Not sure why. Well yes actually i am sure. I want mum to be proud of me and also Grandad who was a Sqaudron Leader in the second world war and something of a local celebrity in his village. I have recently got to know my Grandad more and have to say he is the most brilliant, intelligant, interesting and most gereatric person I no. Mum can't be doing with him but I shed a tear every time I think about him passing which I don't think is too long away. Needless to say he is immensely proud of me and keeps saying he can't wait to see me in my 'blues'.
But, and there is a but, I can't help feeling there is something I'm not doing right, something missing somehow. I don't think I was destined to join the RAF, it is not my fate and that somewhere along the line fate will catch up with me and bite me on my ever increasing rear- end.
All my friends have gone to Uni bar a few no-hopers. I thought I'd be ok, I thought that nothing would really change and I'd find myself not missing them and everything is carrying on as normal. But no, things have changed, I find myself looking therough my contact list on my mobile seeing who I can call for a good night out or to go for some lunch with. There is no-one. I have no-one. My best friend has gone to Lancaster Uni to study law, I couldn't be more pleased and also a little jealous, and also another good friend has gone to persue her dream at West Theames Uni to study performing arts. Now that I am jealous of. Why can't I be like? Go to uni now and worry about a career later. I was taught from an early age to be practical and think of thr future, what could i possibly achieve by going to do performing arts? I hate acting, can't dance for shit and singing? Well singing wasn't really going to work out for me was it? I don't have the drive, the determination, the spark that gets these one hit wonders into the charts.
Facebook is awash with photos of my friends enjoying themselves at Uni with a glass of VK in one hand and a face that says; 'Wish you where here-not!' I feel awful and low, where am I? Part time job at Laura Ashley, drinking on the weekends, smoking the rest of the time. Waiting for the RAF to snap me and take me away. It doesn't work like that. So the RAF it is then, good pay, chance to see the world, fit men, cheap booze and a lovely pension at the end of it. Its all very exciting.
Wish me luck
I have a feeling I'm going to need it
